


So Tight That I Can't Breathe

by that_1_incident



Category: Real Housewives of Atlanta
Genre: F/F, Femslash, Reality TV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-30
Updated: 2013-10-30
Packaged: 2017-12-30 22:38:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1024222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/that_1_incident/pseuds/that_1_incident
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all started with "Tardy for the Party" - which was appropriate, Kim thought, because the song had changed her life in so many ways already.</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Tight That I Can't Breathe

**Author's Note:**

> \- These are [real people](http://thesebootsaremadeforstalking.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/kim_zolciak_dj_tracy_young_getting_married_real_ho.jpg); this is not what really happened.  
> \- Some elements based off RHoA 3x10, "Auto Tuned Up."  
> \- The title is a lyric from Kim Zolciak's "Tardy for the Party."  
> \- Set between seasons 2 and 3, through mid-season 3. Post-Poppa, mainly pre-Kroy.  
> \- Absolutely nobody is ever going to want to read this, but that's OK.

It all started with "Tardy for the Party" - which was appropriate, Kim thought, because the song had changed her life in so many ways already. One day she was an aspiring country singer, the next Kandi had worked her magic and the song was number three on the iTunes dance charts. Tracy heard something she liked and was interested in doing a remix, Kim flew out to L.A., and the rest, as they say, is history.

\--

The ring Poppa gave Kim was gorgeous: platinum, gigantic and diamond-encrusted. She loved to flash it for the cameras, but nobody saw the side of her that rubbed her finger softly over it at night as she dared to dream that maybe, finally, it could work out for them. She was never ashamed of being a mistress, knew that although a piece of paper said he was married to someone else, his heart belonged to her, but after a sea of broken promises, even _she_ was starting to doubt he'd ever leave his wife. It was a running joke among her friends that Poppa's wife shared her first name - no need to worry about him yelling out the wrong name in bed, ha ha - but until she was the Kim on his marriage certificate, there'd be a gaping hole inside her that she wasn't sure she could make anybody understand.

When Poppa broke a final promise, she hit her breaking point. He said he'd leave his wife after Thanksgiving but then he asked for Christmas, wanted one more holiday celebration as a happy, united family - as if his wife didn't know he was cheating, God, who was he kidding? - but Kim had heard it all before. She'd heard it last year. And she knew she'd hear it the next year too, because Poppa was truly never going to go through with the divorce. She slammed her front door in his face and booked a flight to L.A. the same day, because she knew from experience that there's no better distraction from a broken heart than a busy work schedule.

\--

She meets Tracy at her hotel, and the other woman is shorter than she's expecting, with sparkling blue eyes and a short, chic haircut. They go up to Kim's room to talk about the track for a while, and Tracy's bubbly, effusive personality instantly puts Kim at ease. It isn't long before she's spilling the whole sorry Poppa story over her third glass of wine. 

Tracy listens in silence, no judgment, no nothing. When Kim's done, she tells her own tale of heartbreak, of three years with one woman and the abrupt and painful way those ended. Kim barely raises an eyebrow when she finds out Tracy's gay. She doesn't see the world that way, divided by orientation or skin color, and that's not just something she says for the cameras, no matter what people think. Although their situations are very different, when it comes down to it, Kim and Tracy both lost somebody and are just trying to pick up the pieces.

\--

"Of course the sex was amazing," Kim laughs, letting Tracy refill her glass. "I don't care how much money a guy has; if he can't do it for me in the bedroom, we're over."

Tracy nods in agreement and takes a sip of wine. "I'm the same," she asserts, clarifying after Kim raises an eyebrow, "with women, I mean."

Kim's quiet for a second before she slips off her heels and draws her legs up underneath her, curling into herself on the large, overstuffed hotel chair. "What's it like? Being with a woman?"

Tracy grins at her wryly, the intense gray-blue of her eyes making Kim's stomach flutter. "What's it like being with a man?"

Kim snorts. "Touché." She stares down at the wine in her glass, taking the time to mull over her answer. "It's… powerful," she says honestly. "I like big guys. Muscular, you know? I like 'em to dominate me."

"You don't need to be big to dominate someone," Tracy points out, and Kim detects a teasingly flirtatious quality to her tone.

"Oh, yeah?" she shoots back, mostly just to hold her own but a little because she's curious.

Tracy leans back in her chair. "I'm 5'5" in flats, no muscles to speak of and I could have you writhing on that bed in thirty seconds."

It's not what she says as much as how she delivers it - not cocky or overexaggerated, but more as if she's simply stating a fact. She's done this before, Kim thinks with a shiver, and she's speaking from experience. 

"How?" she challenges, unwilling to acknowledge the slight hoarseness that's suddenly crept into her voice. 

Tracy pushes the tip of her tongue out from between her lips and wiggles it slightly. Kim cracks up.

"What, you think I've never had a guy go down on me before?"

"No, I'm saying you've _only_ had a guy go down on you before. You don't have a clue how good it can be until a woman does it. Women know what women like."

They stay at a stalemate for a moment, the gauntlet clearly having been thrown down by Tracy, before Kim stands up, drains her glass and says in a moment of wine-fueled bravado, "Aw, what the heck - show me."

Tracy rises, gazes at her steadily for a few seconds and finally asks, "Can I kiss you first?"

\--

It's the first time Kim's had to bend down to kiss somebody, and there's a brief moment of awkwardness before their lips touch. The whole situation is so absurd that Kim’s about to burst out laughing, but then her lip catches between Tracy's teeth and she ends up inhaling sharply instead.

"What do you think so far?" Tracy murmurs against her mouth, and she captures Tracy's lips with her own in reply.

"I'm gonna need to do... a little more research..." Kim manages to get out in between kisses. 

Tracy's tongue slides into her mouth and she moans.

\--

They don't actually go any further than kissing that night. Kim would've been okay with more but Tracy pulls back, perhaps sensing that the scope of this could be a lot greater than just fulfilling a dare. They hang out a lot over the next couple of days, working on the remix but also watching trashy talk shows in their downtime, and even an old _Real Housewives_ rerun from the first season which makes Kim squeal because her wig looks heinous. Tracy takes Kim out to dinner, opens doors for her and pulls out her chair, and when they get back to the room, they make out on one of the armchairs for a bit before Kim leads Tracy over to the big four-poster bed, pulling the other woman on top of her.

Tracy must be half the weight of Poppa, her stocky female frame not nearly as overwhelming as Kim's ex-fiancé's bulk, but she's so insistent with her body that her diminutive size doesn't seem to matter. When Tracy climbs off, Kim voices her insistence in the form of a petulant whine which Tracy either doesn't hear (unlikely) or merely chooses to ignore.

Kim's wearing a mini dress - slinky and black, one of her favorites from Dolce - with a frilly thong underneath, which Tracy snickers at as she kisses up Kim’s thigh.

"Dressed to impress, I see," she murmurs against the soft skin.

"Hey, you never know when you're gonna get lucky," Kim attempts breezily, but her voice catches as she feels the warmth of Tracy's breath through the thin lace. 

"That's true," Tracy responds smokily, her voice huskier than normal as she traces the curves of Kim's thighs, dancing her fingertips up to the thin strings that hold the thong together. Kim raises her hips instinctively. "Eager, aren't you?"

Kim laughs breathily. "I wanna see what you can do with that tongue."

"I'm workin' up to it," Tracy promises, sucking gently at the insides of Kim's thighs.

Kim feels the other woman's fingers pulling her thong back and shudders, expecting contact and not getting any.

"Tracyyy," Kim moans impatiently, lifting her head up off the pillow to watch the top of Tracy's pixie haircut at the apex of her legs. Tracy stills for a moment, and Kim’s just about to say something else when she feels Tracy's tongue flicker through her wetness, feather-soft. She can't figure out _what_ Tracy's doing to her but whatever it is, it feels _amazing_.

Reflexively, Kim slides her hand underneath the top of her dress, grasping her nipple through her thin bra and rolling it firmly between her thumb and forefinger. Tracy's hands grab her hips, anchoring her to the bed, and she squeezes her eyes shut as the other woman continues with her ministrations.

"You like this?" Tracy whispers, and her breath sends a shiver right through Kim's body. 

"Uh-huh."

Kim can feel her smirking as she asks, "Am I better than Poppa?"

Kim rolls her hips and gasps, " _God_ , yes."

\--

She initially tells NeNe over the phone that it was one night, one time, but NeNe sees right through her - or hears right through her, she supposes. It's obviously more than a drunken fling when she can't mention Tracy without her voice softening, when something inside her flutters every time the other woman steps into the room. It's scary to think about - that she, Kim Zolciak, man eater and mother of two, might be falling for a woman - but then Tracy will look at her in that gorgeous Tracy way, eyes crinkling at the edges, and it's all she can do not to swoon.

\--

Kim would've figured herself to be pretty damn sexually experienced. She's had a fair number of lovers and knows what she likes and what she doesn't, but Tracy reveals a whole new world to her. She hasn't felt this out of her depth since the day she lost her virginity, but it's a good kind of cluelessness, a dearth of knowledge she can't wait to fill. Tracy's patient with her, guiding her when she needs it and letting her experiment at her own pace, and the first time she holds one of Tracy's full breasts in her hand and sucks at the nipple, it turns her on so much she can’t believe it.

That's the night they lie side by side and touch each other the way they like to touch themselves, and it blows Kim's mind that Tracy _gets_ her like this. She turns her head to look at the other woman, and the way Tracy smiles at her makes her stomach flip. Kim is falling fast for DJ Tracy Young, and she knows it. 

\--

What Kim's doing doesn’t fully hit her until she's on the phone with Ariana, who asks how Tracy's doing. It's not unusual for Kim’s girls to be involved in the career aspect of her life; they'd met Dallas while she was working with him, and had often talked to Kandi and her crew on speaker when Kim was at the studio, but it's different with Tracy. Kim wonders how her girls would take it if she brought the DJ home and introduced her as her girlfriend. She wonders how her parents would take it, her friends, the press, how long they can keep this up before it gets out and if there's even anything to keep up in the first place.

"She's good, honey. She's fine," Kim assures, hoping Ariana won't push it further.

"Is she there? Can I talk to her?"

"Uh..." Kim flicks her gaze over to Tracy, who's sitting on her hotel bed flipping channels on mute. Sensing Kim's eyes on her, Tracy turns and sticks out her tongue, making a funny face. Kim cracks up. "Sure, honey, I'll pass you over."

\--

The remix turns out great, and Kim and Tracy stay in contact after Kim flies back to Atlanta and Tracy to New York. Kim had been worried their relationship would wane with the distance, but Tracy's great about it, always finding time in her day to hit up Kim with a text message or give her a call. 

\--

Kim calls everyone _love_ , but with Tracy, it takes on a different meaning somehow. Tracy refers to her as _baby girl_ and on occasion, _princess_ , and maybe Kim's just rebounding from Poppa still but damn if those aren't the sweetest endearments she's ever been called in her life.

\--

So Shereé and Kandi are squaring off at a nearby racetrack, a way to show off their flashy cars and try to gain the upper hand over each other, and Kim invites Tracy along to meet her friends and spend some time with her family. Ariana _adores_ Tracy, and Brielle - well, Brielle is no longer openly hostile toward her, which Kim guesses is the most she can really expect from a teenager. 

She's also dropping by Ms. Jan's again for some help with _The Ring Didn't Mean A Thing_ , and although she tries to pretend that's not the real reason she invited Tracy down, they both know by now that when it comes to moral support, there's nobody Kim would rather have beside her.

\--

Tracy duly flies out and is so _herself_ that it almost hurts Kim not to break into a smile whenever she looks at her. 

\--

She sleeps over at Kim's house, of course, and Kim makes up the guest bedroom for reasons she doesn't quite understand. She thinks Brielle may have guessed there's more to the nature of their relationship, but as sassy and streetwise as her daughter pretends to be, she still has this innocence about her, so Kim isn't quite sure how much she's picked up on. Of course, it was all over the magazines, but she doesn't know how much attention Brielle pays to those and how much her daughter believes anything she does read. 

In the back of Kim's mind, she knows she'll need to talk to her kids about Tracy if this gets any more serious, but she doesn't want to think about it, doesn't want to face the reality of being in an... alternative relationship. She supposes what she shared with Poppa was alternative too, in some respects, but suspects the people she knows will be a whole lot more accepting of her being a mistress than a lesbian. 

\--

Not that she thinks she _is_ a lesbian. As she told _InStyle_ after the story broke about her relationship with Tracy, she's bisexual, is all. She loves men, loves chasing men, loves _getting_ men, loves everything about them. She's not denouncing that, but it's amazing how many people can't separate one same-sex relationship from the idea of _being_ homosexual - not that she cares how people view her, or at least she shouldn't.

\--

One thing she's grateful to Ms. Jan for is that the woman doesn't comment about Tracy accompanying her. Maybe it's because the cameras are there, maybe she doesn't read the tabloids or has better things to do in the checkout line at the grocery store than scan the covers of gossip magazines for the faces of her famous clients, but regardless, Tracy's introduced as Kim's friend and that's how everything stays.

And if Tracy comes in the booth with Kim and holds her hand in the solitude of the sound booth, well, if nobody else saw it, then it's not a big deal.

\--

Kim thought it would be a good idea for Tracy to mix with her group of friends, but looking back, she's not sure what made her believe a thing like that would turn out positively. Shereé corners Tracy almost immediately, asks about her relationship with Kim and how the new song they're working on together is going, and for some reason the whole situation gets under Kim's skin. She sends Sweetie over on a recon mission, steals Tracy away until it's time to race and tries to ignore NeNe's sideways glances and Shereé's not-too-subtle stare. They were like this around Poppa, too, even though it's none of their business who she brings into her bedroom unless it's one of them - which, bisexual or not, is just _ew_.

She puts the whole thing out of her mind and tries to focus on her kids and her... Tracy... as she walks across to the race track, the three of them at her side. She can't resist tugging on Tracy's hair a little, loving that it's the perfect length to run her fingers through, and the smile Tracy shoots her makes her weak at the knees.

\--

They don't talk about the awkwardness until much later, after Brielle and Ariana are in bed and Kim has poured herself and Tracy a glass of wine.

"So, hey, this is just a question, Kim, no judgment, no nothing," Tracy begins, and something inside Kim lurches in anticipation of what's to come. 

She'd known rationally that the delicate balance she's been keeping wouldn't last forever, but Tracy had tried to bring this up a couple of times before and she'd always managed to change the subject somehow, so a tiny, hopeful part of her had kind of believed that state of affairs could go on forever - which was clearly unrealistic, but, hey, denial can be a powerful thing.

Kim takes a long swig of wine. "Go on," she says more tersely than she intended, and Tracy gives her a look as if to say, _This isn't easy for me either._ She clears her throat. "I mean, tell me," she says, aiming to sound less hostile and hearing her voice come out soft and scared.

"I just wanna know if I have this right, okay? You come out as bisexual on the front cover of _InStyle_ , but you tell Kandi not to talk about what's going on with us. You invite me to an event you know all your friends are going to be at, and then you don't want me talking to them?"

Kim hangs her head. She knows she's been confused, but to hear her behavior spelled out like that... it makes her sound like a crazy person. She doesn't know why Tracy had put up with it.

"That's, uh, yeah," is all she can really say, and Tracy gives her this steady, measured look, like she's waiting for something more - something Kim can't give her. "Tracy..."

"You know I love you, right?"

It's not the first time she's heard Tracy say it, but the context slams into her with the weight of a sledgehammer. She feels her throat start to close up with emotion, tears pricking at her eyes, and wills herself to calm down.

"I know," she says, her voice remarkably steady given the circumstances.

"And we've definitely had a lot of fun together," Tracy continues.

"I know," Kim repeats numbly. Part of her just wants to get this over with, but the other part is desperately thinking of ways to cling onto these final moments while she still can.

"But, Kim, I... I need to be with someone who's proud of me."

Kim sets her wine glass down, too ashamed to look Tracy in the eye. _I am proud of you_ , is what she wants to say, but it wouldn't be the truth and they'd both know it. She adores Tracy, loves being with her, appreciates her unending support and is crazy about her sense of humor, but the weight of so many things being against them has made her so tired. She only went to _InStyle_ so they'd talk _with_ her and not about her, but in doing so she'd made herself a national laughing stock - _One-hit-wonder Kim Zolciak, gay for a day_. And sure, race might not be an issue among her Atlanta social circle, but sexual preference sure as hell is, and it's just... it's hard, being the one in a relationship that no-one else can relate to. Harder than when she was with Poppa and the grapevine buzzed about him being a married man. And then there's her children, and what the other kids at school might say, and the fact that Tracy lives in New York is difficult too. In a strange way, that might be the hardest aspect of all, needing the other woman's constant support to deal with everyone's backlash and only usually being able to get it on the other end of a phone line. 

"I can't be that person," Kim says belatedly, and Tracy looks... not shocked by the sentiment, exactly, more surprised that Kim's being so forthright. "I want to so badly, Tracy, I do, but..."

Tracy reaches out to clasp her hand. "This isn't my first rodeo," she says gently. "Some people can hack it, some people can't. I don't think less of you for it."

"I do," Kim manages to admit.

"Hey." Tracy reaches her palm to Kim's face, a feather-light touch that shouldn't hurt but somehow does. "I'll book a flight back to New York tomorrow, and I won't trash-talk you to the papers."

Kim doesn't know whether to laugh or cry.

\--

Kim had met a guy at Shereé's charity dance competition a couple of weeks before Tracy flew out to visit for the last time, and even in the height of her denial, she'd known on some level that the thing with the DJ wouldn't be a long-term thing, because she'd kept the guy's number on her bedside table, folded into a tiny square.

She gets back from dropping Tracy off at the airport the next day - a quiet, awkward experience she hopes she never has to repeat - curls up in bed and catches sight of the piece of paper. She reaches for her phone without waiting for a chance to second-guess herself.

"Hey, Kroy? It's Kim, Shereé's friend," she says brightly after Kroy picks up, trying to sound more together than she feels.

"Oh, hey, what's up?" comes Kroy's warm, masculine voice down the line. 

There's a photo Kim has on her dresser of herself with Tracy, all wide smiles and sparkling teeth. They look happy, like they're meant for each other. She turns it facedown against the wood.

\--


End file.
